So, I’m done, finally, and a bit late, but not so late I’ll be penalised.
Another essay that I think will pass but I am yet again unhappy with the quality of, not because I’m worried about it, but because I know I can do better, I just don’t seem to be able to apply myself to studying at the moment. I worry on occasion that maybe I can’t do better, maybe this is just how my work looks now, slapdash and shoddy. I mean, if someone was to collect together my assignments for this course, that’s what they’d think of my work. The fact that I know I can do much better, have done much better in the past, is really irrelevant. The fact of the matter is, my undergraduate essays were of a much higher quality that my postgraduate ones.
It’s possibly because for this course the opinions I express have to match those of the faculty - I don’t remember my undergraduate lecturers being so insecure - sure, they knew they were right, but we could come down either way in our work as long as we’d backed it up with enough evidence. For this course we’re provided with all the reading, and discouraged from looking elsewhere for research that might provide an interesting perspective. In fact, my tutor’s made it pretty clear that going outside of the readings is unnacceptable and we won’t be credited for it in our work. (Fair enough really, she has a full time busy job as well as doing this). The readings we’re given are so biased though, and for this assignment I needed to be able to criticise them. My preferred method of criticising things is to find alternative evidence or explanations, but as the course is so focussed on the faculty’s view being the only one, they don’t give any alternatives, except rubbish ones they’ve already surpassed. Criticism in academic essays needs to be backed up with evidence, but we’re not given any.
Anyway, the essay is done, a huge weight is off my mind. I don’t seem to be able to focus on anything else when I need to get something done at the moment. I’m usually a master of avoiding working: tidying, cleaning, anything that can be justified. I’ve done some washing, the fridge is full, and the flat’s a good bit cleaner than it was on Friday, but, well, it’s not exactly great yet. No, I’ve just been useless the past couple of days. Last night I fell asleep on the sofa for 2 hours watching big brother. Woke up with lines imprinted on my face (cord sofa) - very attractive.
Anyway, now I’m just gibbering. 2 hours of very restricted writing and it all just comes out now: I need to learn to write essays like a stream of consciousness.